Week 5 of pregnancy: I get my first positive pregnancy test and the emotional journey of motherhood begins.
I’m not going to lie – when I first saw those two pink lines on my First Response test, I cried.
Just a few tears; nothing too serious. Part of me couldn’t believe that my husband and I actually pulled it off. I mean, after months of fussing over proper nutrition, diet changes, water consumption, supplements galore….does this mean I’m actually going to be a mom?!
I could feel the anxiety simmering under my bubbly excitement already. I made a promise to myself – there was no way I was going to let myself get in my way during this happy occasion. See, I bought the early response pregnancy tests a month before, anticipating that my dear husband and I would be incredibly lucky and get pregnant during our first month of trying. It was more of a fervent wish than an anticipation. I took this test the day before my missed period and the 3 seconds it took for those results to appear felt like an eternity. Negative. A big fat negative.
When I rejoined my husband on the couch, I tried not to look as bummed as I felt. We had talked about this. Even a healthy couple only has a 20% chance of conceiving each month. Some couples try for years until they find success. Who was I to be sad over a negative result in the first month? We could try again. These are called rationalizations and while they may be accurate, logic does not always govern emotions. I don’t know about you, but when I’m at the end of my cycle I’m not the most logical person. My husband would probably agree.
Since I was a child I’ve wanted to be a good mother. A great mother. Someone my children feel safe with, who will support and encourage them to blossom into the most honest versions of themselves that they can become. Someone who won’t use ulterior motives or pressure to direct their lives. There are a few reasons for this. I’m not going to get into them now. Suffice it to say I just want to offer my children the safest environment that I am able to provide.
Two days later I still hadn’t gotten my period, so I took the test again. I was sure it would be a negative. I had all the symptoms of a period (heaviness, soreness, bloating) and I was sure my cycle was just late for the first time in 5 years. The test still felt like an eternity. And then, a faint pink line emerged next to the solid one. It grew darker and darker, until it was an undeniable positive.
I cried. Not just for my excitement but also over the unknown changes this would bring. What had we gotten ourselves into? Something beautiful? Magical? The responsibility of caring for something else can be frightening. I tend to frighten easily. I could feel the anxiety building in my stomach so I came out of the bathroom. My husband was sitting on the couch, all smiles. He knew (he probably heard me gasp). All my anxiety melted away. We were going to build a family.
I’m finally going to be a mom.